Ever since the campaign period for the May 2013 elections started, our news feeds, timelines and televisions have been flooded with countless campaign ads and jingles. We’ve grown weary and annoyed from Jack Enrile’s mighty annoying (but catchy) jingle to Koko Pimentel’s witty tagline “Use your Koko-nut” with the matching sipping of juice from an ACTUAL coconut. While we hope the future of Philippines will change for the better after the May 2013 elections, allow us to share our dream senate line-up who would just rock at being a senator.
Coherent Fangirls presents its 2013 Senatorial Candidates!
1. The three of us must choose four characters each whom we think will be good Philippine senators.
2. The character chosen must belong in a book, TV series, or movie.
3. Dead characters may be brought back to life for the purposes of this article.
Will McAvoy: The Guy Who’s Patriotic Enough To Call Out His Own Country’s Bullshit
Will McAvoy would fit perfectly in Philippine politics because he won’t be the first news anchor to run for a position in the government. McAvoy isn’t just some news guy, though. He’s smart and has a ton of country pride in him. He knows not to bullshit the masses because that’s what he calls out on trapos he interviews on his news show. Can you imagine if he suddenly loses it during a senate meeting? If he and Miriam Defensor-Santiago would have row at each other, it’d be the best thing to happen in the senate. Can you imagine the shouting matches? Heaven. As a plus, he’s good-looking too.
“Will McAvoy sa senado because if there’s a Will, there’s a way.”
Daenerys Targaryen: The Mother of Dragons and Everyone Else tbh
(Game of Thrones)
Dany is the Risa Hontiveros of our fictional senatoriables line-up, minus the tacky purple alampay. (I love you Risa!) She would fight for reproductive health, women’s rights, animal rights, equality and justice. Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen was made to rule. Fuck the senate, she could run this entire country!
“If you’re a good citizen, then your vote should be for Targaryen.”
Keith Mars: The Shining Example All Fathers Should Aspire To Be Like
We need a father figure in the senate because guys with families look at life differently. And who else to choose but the coolest dad of them all? Keith Mars has political background, since he served as sheriff at Neptune, California. And since we’ve already got a balding guy running the country, how about a balding guy in the Senate who’s actually smart? Keith Mars’ snarkastic remarks are very much needed for the betterment of his country.
He’ll go to great lengths to protect his daughter from harm, even if it means sacrificing his own political career. Now, that’s something. At least he’s got the balls to resign if he knows he ain’t fit for the job anymore. Four for you, Keith Mars! You go, Keith Mars!
“Keith Mars! Mars! Mars sa senado, dahil kay Keith Mars walang super-superstars.” (As in equal tingin niya sa lahat gets???? Ok.)
Albus Dumbledore: An Actual Wise Old Man
I know that Dumbledore never accepted the Minister of Magic position offered to him countless times because he doesn’t trust himself with power but I don’t care! I believe with all my heart that he would make an awesome senator. He’s got tons of wisdom since he’s lived for like a hundred years. And since he’s revered by most people, I believe he would get the vote of the masses. Plus, we’d get our first out gay senator. ❤ LGBT luv
“Albus Dumbledore for senator so we won’t pass stupid laws forevermore!”
Caroline Julian: The Sass Master from New Orleans
The puckish, meddlesome, sassy Prosecutor from the US Attorney’s office, time and time again Caroline Julian has proved that she is a force to be reckoned with. The official “linchpin” of the team (the seemingly invisible member of the group that you do not see the value at first but when absent the entire group could no longer function), and why wouldn’t she be? She works career killers like no big deal and delivers like the Sass Master, Sasserina of Sasserville Sassilandia that she truly is- sarcastic, feisty and so witty that if you do not like her, you are either wrong or stupid.
So why must Caroline be part of our senate? Well for one thing it would be nice to have someone who actually knows the law. Plus sassiness is a major factor, watching senators “discuss” things is boring. I want a rip your heart out put it in a blender and feed to the dogs, kind of dialogue.
As proof of my claims:
Agent Riley (to Caroline): Hey! I’m talking to you!
Caroline: No! You’re yelling at me, and my ears are starting to ring. Now, I’m sorry that after 40 years as an agent for the FBI, you’re still a LITTLE girl. But I’d like to find out who killed June Harris. So how about ye’ stop whining…and help, okay cherie?
Oh and did I say she is sassy?
“Caroline Julian- kaibigan, sandigan at tunay na maaasahan!”
Emperor Quin Shi Huang
Everybody remembers the oh-so-cool emperor who was the only one who had the balls to bow down to a woman who definitely deserved the respect.
Despite his very minimal 10 minutes of airtime in the movie he proved that he is a man of vision. Social norms and traditions be damned, if you deserve something, you earn it no matter what others say. To honor a woman during that time was insane, yet it was due. He is a man not only open to the concept of change but the a change that is needed. Anybody can promise change but if not the right kind, we would all be left empty handed.
He has said that “A flower that blooms in adversity is the most beautiful of them all,” perhaps if our senators truly see our potential, maybe our country would not seem so hopeless.
“Harapin ang pamahalaan nang may dangal at tapang, ating iboto, Quin Shi Huang!”
Queen Clarisse Renaldi of Genovia
(The Princess Diaries)
How can you not vote for her? COME ON. SHE. IS. THE. QUEEN. OF. GENOVIA.
“Paglilingkod na walang kaparis, yan si Queen Clarisse!”
Saul Berenson is the Middle East Division Chief for the Central Intelligence Agency. In a job full of liars and manipulative assholes, Saul Berenson is the saving grace, well at least in the case of Homeland. He’s an all-around good guy but is cunning, clever and can be as devious as any other bastard in the CIA; his passion for his work is incomparable. Also, he’s so cute like a big panda bear.
While it is good to have visionaries and men dreaming of impossible dreams we must also think that the law system is not a game that when it becomes too difficult, one may simply quit; we need people who know how dirty this profession is. Over and over again, Saul Berenson has proved his integrity despite the foul smelling entity that is politics, he has been threatened, seduced and god knows what and is still a man of principle.
“Kay Berenson, ang serbisyo ay sa lahat ng panahon, sa bawat pagkakataon!”
Walter Bishop of the Alternate Universe: Walternate
Cities torn by natural disasters, loved ones stuck inside amber, a world that is slowly deteriorating – All hope seems lost. These are dark times that our world is facing but a beacon of light shines upon us: Walter Bishop, real father of the extremely attractive Peter Bishop from the Other Universe, renowned Scientist, founder of Bishop Dynamic and Secretary of Defense.
He is a leader who knows what needs to be done and is willing to take all measures to achieve that end. Yes, even going so far as to sending shape shifters to the other universe, kidnapping FBI Agents (Olivia Dunham: Queen of Trust Issues) and replacing them with a Fringe Division officer (Olivia “Fauxlivia” Dunham: the red-headed, cocksure and infinitely hotter Olivia who is meant to be with ALT!LINCOLN because they are l o v e) and treating his only son (the extremely attractive Peter Bishop) as a mere tool for his doomsday machine. To quote Mr. Ollivander from an unrelated fandom: “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named did great things — terrible, yes, but great.”
Hey, Philippines, we’re used to evil bastards leading our country, it’s high time we actually voted for an I N T E L L I G E N T and E F F E C T I V E evil bastard.
“KAY WALTER BISHOP, PAG-UNLAD AY ‘DI MAHIROP.”
Jaime Lannister: The Kingslayer and Professional Ovary Torturer
(Game of Thrones)
Look at your man.
Now back to Jaime.
Now back to your man.
Now back to Jaime.
But never fret, fair lady – A Lion through and through, this Medieval GQMF will not only set your ovaries on fire but he will fight for your rights and look good while he’s at it.
A Lannister always pays his debts and Jaime Lannister HAS ENOUGH GOLD TO PAY FOR YOURS AND PROBABLY THE ENTIRE COUNTRY’S. Jaime is a family man who puts family above others (esp. his Sister: The Bitch Queen) and a man who commits to his vows (We-e-ll except for that little incident with the damned Mad King. He wasn’t to blame for putting a sword through that psycho’s back.)
If you’re going to sell your vote, you might as well sell it to this beautiful man.
“KNIGLSAYER SA SENADO DAHIL SIYA’Y SOBRANG GWAPO.” (GUISE GUISE DID U SEE WHAT I DEED THAR?)
Loki Laufeyson: God of Mischief
I’ve been reduced to begging. Will you please vote for him? All he wanted was to be treated as Thor’s equal. He loved Thor. He loved Odin. I bet he loved the people of Asgard too. And he will love you, dear voter. HE JUST NEEDS TO LOVE AND BE LOVED HUHU BB come here.
Filipinos are suckers for dramatic back stories and to all of you who have ever felt rejected, undervalued and desperate for affection: Please vote for this God and kneel to him while you’re at it.
“Sa serbisyo ni Loki, walang talo, walang lugi!”
No endorsement is needed for Palpatine, also known as Darth Sidious, Emperor of the Galactic Empire. This man will win, to hell with everything. His sheer genius and pure evil is hard to resist. If Palpatine managed to convince ANAKIN SKYWALKER to turn to the dark side, how the hell could lesser mortals fight his tempting ways? (He also looks like Pope Benedict XVI. That ought to count for something to countless Filipinos who are blinded by religion.)
Have I mentioned how he also uses Force lighting? No?
Do it, bitch! Save your lives.
“Iboto si Palpatine nang hindi ka niya patayin.”
So there it is, our twelve senators. *sigh* Why is real life so lame? Why can’t we get good-looking and/or witty people in the senate? Instead, we get people like Nancy Binay. Ours is a sad life.
So how about you guys? Which fictional character would you choose to be a senator? Leave it on the comment box! 🙂